The Matrix: Recliched
by Nain and Calli
Summary: A completely un-original Matrix Reloaded parody. So what else is new? [Now with Outtakes!]
1. Oh, Sock Puppet!

The Matrix: Recliched  
  
by Calli (Origami Flower) and Nain (Nain)  
  
----------------------------**  
  
Trumpets: DAN DAN DAA DAAAAAAN!  
  
Trinity: After something explodes, I will then proceed to kick some ass, as is customary of all action movies.  
  
Explosion: Why the hell are you waiting for me? GO KICK ASS, GIRL!  
  
TRINITY KICKS some MAJOR ASS  
  
Security Guards: Do we get paid for this? WE HAVE KIDS TO FEED, YOU KNOW.  
  
Wachowskis: Are you kidding? We've already blown 200 million dollars on this movie. All that happens is you die. Therefore, we are not paying you.  
  
Security Guards' Children: WE'RE SO HUNGRY!   
  
Trinity: Excuse me, I'm suspended in Bullet-Time here, can we get on with this, please?  
  
Agent Bunny: Oooh, look, a rebel. Let's shoot at her!  
  
Agent Fuzzy: Yes, lets.  
  
TRINITY JUMPS OUT of a WINDOW  
  
Agent Bunny: I wonder if I can still shoot at you while falling.  
  
Trinity: My gunshots have perfect timing! Oops. Ow!  
  
Stupid Members of Audience: Noooooo! Trinity's dead!  
  
Fangirl: Yay! KEANU IS MINE!  
  
NEO wakes UP in BED NEXT to TRINITY.   
  
Fangirl: NOOOO!  
  
Neo: Damn these cliched prophetic dreams!   
  
NEO GOES to EAT GOOP.  
  
Trinity: Let's talk.   
  
TRINITY CLINGS to NEO'S ARM  
  
Neo: Do I haaave too?  
  
Trinity: Of course you do. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't constantly nag you?  
  
Link: Trinity, stop being clingy. We're late.  
  
Neo: Late for what? And where did you come from?  
  
Link: I came from... the UNKNOWN!   
  
CREEPY MUSIC ENSUES  
  
Neo: Oh, okay.  
  
Trinity: Rock on.  
  
IN THE COCKPIT OF THE NEBAKAFIZZLECHEESE  
  
Link: Are you sure that's a good idea, sir?  
  
Morpheus: Trust me, Link. I'm supposed to give a really long and boring trust speech here, but they didn't give me coffee this morning. Now, what does this button do?  
  
Link: Sorry, sir. I just thought that getting Captain Lock a stripper for his birthday was a bad idea, sir... NO! DON'T PUSH THAT!  
  
MORPHEUS PUSHES the BUTTON, BRITNEY SPEARS ENSUES  
  
Britney: I'M NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN.......  
  
Morpheus: NO! NO! PUT IT AWAY! PUT... IT... AWAAY!  
  
IN UNDERGROUND HIDEOUTY SPOT  
  
Niobe: I'm going to talk for a long time about things that you can't possibly know yet, since the Animatrix doesn't come out until June 1st.  
  
Ghost: Preorder the Animatrix!  
  
Purists: PREORDER?! NOW?!   
  
ALL PURISTS IMMEDIATELY LEAVE THE CINEMA in DROVES, LEAVING SAID CINEMA MOSTLY EMPTY  
  
Niobe: Anyway, the robots are digging. Oh yes. Digging a hole, right there in the ground...   
  
MORPHEUS, TRINITY AND NEO APPEAR in a PUFF of GLITTERY SMOKE  
  
Morpheus: Like, hasn't ANYONE heard of being, like, fashionably late?  
  
Niobe: Morpheus, glad you decided to make an effort.  
  
Morpheus: I'd apologize to you, but I'm tired and I haven't had any coffee. Therefore, you can listen to me rant about stuff and use words with more than two syllables.  
  
Ajax: I HAVE THE SAME NAME AS A CLEANING PRODUCT!  
  
Ice and Vector: Nobody but the Wachowskis actually know who we are!  
  
Wachowskis: Damn straight.  
  
Morpheus: Look, I need two of you to keep ships here, so that we can be fooled by a program and so we can piss off Lock. yes. muhaha. Soon, I will become GOZ.  
  
Neo: err, GOZ?  
  
Morpheus: Goddess... ah, God of Zion. But that's not the point.  
  
Hamann: I make a long pointless point speech later on!  
  
Neo: It just lengthens the movie! Pointlessly!  
  
HAMANN and NEO HI-FIVE.  
  
WURM is WAITING at THE DOOR WHEN KNOCKING ENSUES  
  
Smithy: Hey, I'm looking for my bitch.  
  
Wurm: Never heard of her. Or him. Tell me, which way do you swing?  
  
Smithy: Whaa?  
  
Wurm: I recognize you from somewhere. Hey, that's it! You were that gay drag queen! In Priscilla! Damn, your rendition of 'I Will Survive' was truly inspirational.  
  
Smithy: Um, I must go. Tell neo I say Hi. Oh, and he set me free, so basically he condemned the whole human race. Bye!  
  
Wurm: Wow, I can't believe I met the real Priscilla!  
  
CORRUPT COMES out of THE BATHROOM  
  
Corrupt: Um, who was that?  
  
Wurm: It was PRISCILLA THE DRAG QUEEN!  
  
Corrupt: Wasn't Priscilla the bus? And didn't you just say my part of the script?!   
  
Wurm: Um... oops?  
  
Neo: Who was that? I sense a disturbance in the force.  
  
Wurm: It was Priscilla!  
  
Neo: Isn't Priscilla a bus?  
  
Wurm: WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING THAT?  
  
AGENTS FUZZY, BUNNY and DISCO STU appear, EACH WEARING DRAG COSTUMES  
  
Neo: Howdy, fellas.  
  
Audience: ...  
  
AGENTS: AAAAAH! OUR EARS!  
  
Neo: Hmm. Rejects from the Mardi Gras. Oh well, I'll kick their ass, as this is a kung fu movie, and it is customary to do so.  
  
Agent Disco Stu: Bring it on, beeyotch. Oh, yeah. Boogie down.  
  
Neo: Corrupt, music!  
  
'GIRLFRIEND' by NSYNC IMMEDIATELY BLASTS out of THE CD PLAYER  
  
Neo: WRONG MUSIC!  
  
Agent Disco Stu: Ooh, Baby, disco Stu is grabbing his crotch and dancing around like a fairy!  
  
Agent Bunny: I've dreampt of this ever since I was a little girl...   
  
Agent Fuzzy: OH MY GOSH! THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG! -does hip thrusts around the room- BUT WON'T YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND?  
  
Neo: PLEASE, STOP IT. STOP THIS MADNESS!  
  
Corrupt: ehe... ehe... my bad.  
  
'FURIOUS ANGELS' by ROB DOUGAN BLASTS out of THE CD PLAYER  
  
Nain: YAY! NEO KICKING ASS TO ROB D!   
  
NAIN JUMPS ON NEO'S BACK  
  
Neo: Oh, please, stop glomping me.  
  
Nain: Fine then. Go act like a demented cowboy.  
  
NEO KICKS the AGENTS ASSES EASILY  
  
Calli: -waves pompoms- Neo, Neo, he's our guy! If he can't do it, away he'll fly!  
  
Neo: Oh, I can't be stuffed. I'm out of here.  
  
NEO DOES the SUPERMAN THING, ENDS UP in WIERD APARTMENT.  
  
Calli: What a wimp.  
  
Fangirl: Like totally, hi-five girlfriend!  
  
BACK in THE REAL WORLD...  
  
Trinity: WHERE IS MY BITCH!  
  
Link: Despite being your operator, I have no idea what happened. However, I think I now know his childhood fantasy.  
  
Morpheus: ... becoming a stripper?  
  
Link: ... oh, come on...  
  
Trinity: He's doing the superman thing, right?   
  
Hamann: This was so totally pointless! Rock on!  
  
BACK in THE MATRIX  
  
Little Boy: Look, mummy! That man's flying!  
  
Mother: Don't be silly, men can't fly.  
  
BACK in THE REAL WORLD  
  
Link: Yo, this is the Nebafizzlemanizzle, we want in.  
  
Zion Virtual Control Operator: YOU SUCK!  
  
Link: YO, WE WANT IN, MAH BITCHES AND ME.  
  
Zion Virtual Control Operator: WHATEVER, HOMIE. YOUR BEDS ARE MADE, BUT YOUR WIFE DID IT BECAUSE SHE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR AND DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW. WELCOME HOME.  
  
IN ZION, LAND of THE FREE   
  
Morpheus: Hey, MIFFY BABY!  
  
Mifune: Do not call me Miffy.  
  
Lock's Lietenant: YO, WASSUP, HOME SLICE?  
  
Morpheus: JUS' CHILLIN WIT MAH HOMIES.  
  
Kid: OH MY GOD NEO 33  
  
Audience: -sigh-  
  
Trinity: Do not go near my bitch.  
  
Link: What she said. Wait...  
  
Kid: BUT... BUT... 333 I WANT TO EXPRESS MY ETERNAL GRATITUDE TO YOU. LET ME CARRY YOUR BAG.  
  
Neo: Look, we don't have time. We have enough talking that the audience might revolt, so we're trying to hurry up and get to the kick-ass kung-fu scenes.  
  
Kid: BUT... I want to join the Nebucheesechadnezexerroxorsdlifh423574035NEOLOVENEOSEXYNEOcheese.  
  
Link: Carry my bag.  
  
Kid: But... you're not Neo.  
  
TRINITY LOOKS FLIRTATIOUSLY at NEO  
  
Trinity: Think about the amount of... er... 'quiet time' we'd get.  
  
Audience: ... whimper... no, please, no.  
  
Neo: Ooooh! You mean to play with the SOCK PUPPETS?  
  
Trinity: -looks annoyed- That's not what I meant...  
  
Neo: -looks very disappointed- Oh.  
  
Trinity: Um, let's go into the elevator and kiss each other passionately for awhile. This way, the fans will realise what a substandard sequel this is going to be!  
  
Neo: Neat!  
  
NEO and TRINITY MAKE OUT in the ELEVATOR. The DOOR OPENS.  
  
Zionites: Gasp!  
  
Trinity: Yeah, we forgot that whole savior deal.  
  
Neo: Can't you people take care of yourselves?  
  
Woman: I have a son on some random ship. Can you somehow watch over him even though you've never heard of his ship in your life?  
  
NEO GRABS TRINITY'S ARM  
  
Neo: Uh, Trinity... But I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO...  
  
Audience: NO! OUR EYES!  
  
Trinity: There'll be time later. I PROMISE.   
  
TRINITY WINKS.  
  
NEO STARES at the ZIONITES in HORROR  
  
TRINITY LEAVES.  
  
Neo: NO! TRINITY! Don't leave me alone with... them!  
  
The ZIONITES PROCEED to SWARM NEO.  
  
THE MEETING BETWEEN LOCK and MORPHEUS ENSUES.  
  
Lock: Hello, Morpheus.  
  
Morpheus: YO, MAH HOMIE G!  
  
Lock: Obviously, sending you to that all-male mental health retreat was a bad idea.  
  
Morpheus: YO, BUT YOU SMACKED MY BITCH UP, YOU.  
  
Lock: I know. I'm just so much more sexy. But that's not what I'm here to bitch to you about, ho.  
  
MORPHEUS: YOU CALLIN ME A HO??!  
  
Lock: DAMN STRAIGHT!  
  
Councillor Hamann: YO, HE MUST BE CALLING YOU A HO, FOO'. LOOK AT YOUR CLOTHES, YO.  
  
Morpheus: -examines pink feathery boa and glittery sequined, slinky red dress-  
  
Lock: HOHOHO!  
  
Morpheus: THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WIT MY THREADS, YO.  
  
Calli: This is stupid.  
  
Councillor Hamann: Eh, whatever. Morpheus, I believe in all your prophecy bullshit.  
  
Morpheus: See?!?!?   
  
LOCK ROLLS HIS EYES.  
  
Nain: I agree. Stop speaking in rapper talk, or we'll.. um... smack your bitch up.  
  
Councillor Hamann: ... however, Morpheus, I don't like you. So, that's ten points from Gryffindor.  
  
Lock: And I'm going to ban you from using the Nebuchadnezzar for the duration of your time in Zion.  
  
Calli: I'd like to say how illogical that is.  
  
Morpheus: THAT'S NOT FAIR, YOU BIG MEANIE!   
  
Nain: I'd like to systematically agree with everything Calli says.  
  
Calli: It's not like you're going to use the Neb while you're in Zion.  
  
Lock: Oh, yeah...  
  
LINK GOES to SEE ZEE  
  
Link: Where's my pussy?  
  
Zee: LINK, LANGUAGE.  
  
Link: No, really. Where's Snowball? Here, kitty...  
  
Zee: Link, Snowball... passed on. She was eaten by one of those giant radioactive mice.  
  
Link: -falls to his knees- NOOOO!  
  
Niece and Nephew: LINKY-KUN!  
  
Cas: Now, children, your uncle has just suffered a great loss...  
  
CHILDREN do NOT PAY ATTENTION, RATHER, THEY PICK at LINK'S HAIRDO.  
  
Cas: Okay, kids, time to go!  
  
Link: -through tears- Did... did Snowball die in pain?  
  
Cas: Of course not, Linky. -whispers to Zee- maybe he should get some tonight. The lack of... um, brainpower... is killing him.  
  
AT THE ZION BACK-TO-HUMAN PARTY...  
  
Councillor Hamann: And now, I'd like to present to you, your very own insane lunatic, Morpheus-on-a-rock!  
  
Morpheus: I AM MORPHEUS, YOUR GOD!  
  
Lock: Oh, God, get him off there, get him OFF there...  
  
Zionite 1: -throws tomato at Morpheus-  
  
Morpheus: YOU GOT TOMATO ON MY SLAMMIN' OUTFIT, YOU BITCH!  
  
Morpheus: -launches off the rock onto Zionite 1-  
  
Zionite 2: What outfit?  
  
Nain: Yeah, the tomato is most embedded in his chest hair.  
  
Neo: -clambers up on rock-  
  
Fangirls: YAAAAY!  
  
Fangirl: OMG HE'S SO HAWT I LOVE YOU KEANU MARY ME MARYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee.....!!!!1111111111111111 OmG rOxOrZ sIsTaHz...  
  
Trinity: -seethe-  
  
NEO GRINS CHEESILY.  
  
Neo: HI, GIRLS! I'M YOUR SAVIOR!   
  
Fangirl: MARRY ME KEANU  
  
Fangirl: SIGN MY JACKET KEANU  
  
Fangirl: I LOVE YOU KEANU  
  
Neo: Yeah, so... we're all going to die!  
  
Zionites: WOO HOO!  
  
Fangirl: OMG NEO YOU'LL SAVE ME RIGHT  
  
Zionite 3: LIKE, LET'S HAVE AN ORGY!  
  
NEO CLIMBS off the ROCK and GOES to SUCK TRINITY'S FACE  
  
Wachowskis: God, I wonder what worldwide audiences will think of the upcoming scene.  
  
Andy: Who cares? We made a shitload of money!  
  
Larry: Let's go home and eat Tasty Wheat!  
  
Trinity: DO NOT TOUCH MY BITCH.  
  
Neo: Oh, SOCK PUPPET!   
  
NEO LAUNCHES HIMSELF INTO TRINITY'S ARMS.  
  
Trinity: NO SOCK PUPPETS!  
  
Neo: But... Can you imagine if you got PREGNANT?  
  
Trinity: I THOUGHT YOU USED PROTECTION!  
  
Fangirls: Umm, this is kinda more than we needed to know.  
  
FANGIRLS go and GLOMP the RAVE SCENE EXTRAS  
  
Neo: Trinity, this is not the immaculate collection... err, conception. We haven't even started yet. See, everyone is out here, having an orgy. We should go.. somewhere more... private. Yes. Muaha.  
  
NEO and TRINITY GET IT ON. IN SLOW-MO.  
  
Audience: OH GOD NO  
  
Purists: Excuse me, how is it possible for Trinity to be impregnated? Let's consider what Morpheus stated in 'The Matrix'... human beings are grown, not born.  
  
Audience: Shut up.  
  
Calli and Nain: OUR VIRGIN EYES!  
  
NEO AND TRINITY STOP GETTING IT ON  
  
Audience: OH THANK GOD  
  
Trinity: NEO, DIDN'T YOU LIKE IT?!  
  
Neo: ...I would rather have played with my sock puppets, if you must know. I can make them do ANYTHING!   
  
NEO BEAMS. TRINITY CLUTCHES at HIS ARM.  
  
Trinity: I'm not letting go of you. Ever. Not until you tell me that you love me more than your sock puppets.  
  
Neo: NEVER!  
  
SCENE CUTS to SMALL ROOM in THE MATRIX  
  
Bane: I'm so glad we got out of that feminist's club with these porn magazines!  
  
BANE HOLDS up THE PORN  
  
Malachi: Yeah, did you see that really butch chick with the buzz cut and tattoo? I've never seen anything like it.  
  
DRAG QUEEN AGENT SMITH ENTERS  
  
Agent Smith: Hello, boys.  
  
MALACHI GRABS THE PORN and DISAPPEARS THROUGH PHONE  
  
Malachi: Yoink!   
  
Bane: Shit.  
  
Agent Smith: I really hope you don't mind if I plunge my hand into your chest.  
  
Bane: Oh, no, not at all. Go right ahead.  
  
AGENT SMITH STICKS HIS HAND INTO BANE'S CHEST  
  
Agent Smith: Hello. Would you like some blue eyeshadow?  
  
Bane-Smith: Oooh, do you have pink?  
  
NEO LEAVES the APARTMENT, SHAKING in FEAR.  
  
Councillor Hamann: Didn't your bitch like it?  
  
Neo: You have a funny name.  
  
Councillor Hamann: Do you want me to go annoy someone else?  
  
Neo: No, you're supposed to annoy me and make a long senseless speech that only lengthens the movie and does nothing to develop the storyline.   
  
NEO and COUNCILLOR HAMANN STAND in SILENCE for a MOMENT  
  
Councillor Hamann: Umm... line?  
  
Neo: -wakes up- whaaa?  
  
Councillor Hamann: -coughs- Well, it's nice to see that some people are having a good night's sleep.  
  
Neo: Um... I'm not.  
  
NEO LOOKS AROUND SHIFTILY  
  
Councillor Hamann: Like, let's go look at some machines.  
  
NEO and THE GUY WITH A WIERD NAME go DOWN to the ENGINEERING LEVEL.  
  
Councillor Hamann: I like coming down here to look at the machines because I can mock them.  
  
Neo: Why the hell would you want to do that?  
  
Councillor Hamann: Well, because--  
  
Neo: Aren't you just stooping down to their level?  
  
Councillor Hamann: I just--  
  
Neo: How is humanity supposed to be freed if you make fun of the machines? I mean, we made fun of them BEFORE, and look what happened. Ninety-nine percent of us are floating in gelatine. We might be tasty. Someday. Ooh...  
  
Councillor Hamann: SHUT UP!  
  
Neo: But they could crush you.  
  
NEO DOES the MACARENA  
  
Random Voice: THE MACARENA: BORN IN 1991, DIED IN 1992.  
  
Purist: Real world years or virtual years?  
  
Random Voice: UHHH. WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP.  
  
Councillor Hamann: By doing the Macarena, are you trying to make a point?  
  
COUNCILLOR HAMANN COUGHS and OPENS the RELOADED SCRIPT  
  
Councillor Hamann: You're supposed to say, 'So we need machines and they need us. Is that your point, Councillor?'  
  
Neo: Uhhh...  
  
Councillor Hamann: Of course, nobody at my age bothers to make points. It's pointless. Just like this part of the movie.  
  
Neo: I like cheese.  
  
CUT to LINK and ZEE in THEIR BEDROOM. ZEE is GLARING at LINK.  
  
Link: I'm sorry, Zee, but I have to go. The Nebucheewookanoo needs an operator. And since the Wachowskis decided to kill off Tank, I'm the one that has to go.  
  
Wachowskis: Who really wanted to buy Tank-related Merchandise? I mean, come on.  
  
Calli: Who the hell wants to buy Link-related merchandise?! LINK SUCKS.  
  
Matrix Purists: YEAH!  
  
Nain: TANK FELL OFF THE FREAKING NEB...  
  
CUT to LOCK'S OFFICE.   
  
Lock: I just heard you let the Webblefizzle take off.  
  
Councillor Hamann: Duh.  
  
Lock: WHY, DAMMIT, WHY?!  
  
Councillor Hamann: You look constipated, that's why, plus I don't like you, so that's fifty points from Slytherin...  
  
CUT to the HOVERCRAFT PLACE, WHERE BANE is PUTTING up POSTERS FOR THE AGENT BEAUTY CONTEST  
  
  
  
Bane: Owwie! A papercut!  
  
Kid: Hey, Baneykins! What's up?  
  
Bane: Yo, Kid.  
  
Kid: Have you seen Neo? I want to marry him. In fact, I have a ring and everything. I so want to get it on with him, isn't he just GORGEOUS?  
  
Bane: Well, he could use some mascara and some serious highlights. But he's not completely unfortunate-looking.  
  
Kid: Why is your hand bleeding?  
  
Bane: Oh... uh... masochism is very in right now.  
  
Matrix Purists: It's because he's able to FEEL! ABLE TO FEEEEEEL... BECAUSE HE'S FREE, UNPLUGGED, A NEW MAN!  
  
NEO and TRINITY and UNFORTUNATELY, LINK ENTER.  
  
Kid: OMG, NEO, MY LOVER!  
  
Trinity: He's my lover because we got it on last night. GOT IT ON! IN SLOW MOTION!  
  
Kid: NO! MY DREAMS ARE SHATTERED!   
  
KID SOBS  
  
Neo: What are you doing, Bane?   
  
NEO IGNORES KID POINTEDLY  
  
Bane: Uhh... putting up posters. For the Agent Beauty Pageant. Dress up like Agent Smith, the most beautiful Agent of them all, and win a receding hairline!  
  
Link: DID YOU SAY... AGENT?!  
  
Bane: ...No.  
  
Neo: You mean, like Priscilla?  
  
Bane: Wasn't Priscilla the bus?  
  
Neo: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT?!  
  
Trinity: If we go now, Neo, you can play with your sock puppets.  
  
Neo: I want a Priscilla doll!  
  
Bane: Priscilla is the bus.  
  
Neo: Is NOT.  
  
Bane: How I wish that were true... THAT DAMN BUS GOT ALL THE CREDIT!  
  
Trinity: Come ON, Neo. The Oracle wants to see you. Which means CANDY.  
  
Neo: OOH! CANDY!  
  
NEO THROWS himself INTO THE NEBUCHEESEFIZZ  
  
----------------------------**  
  
~FIN~  
  
Nain: Well, there are so many Matrix parodies out there that we felt the need to write one too. Yup. We like it, although you may hate it. That's your problem. Ergo. Concordently. Vis a vis. You know what, I have no idea what the hell I'm saying. I just thought it would make me sound cool.  
  
Calli: That's right, Nain. Vis-a-vis, we sound very concordent. Whatever the hell that means. Anyway, keep an eye out for the next part, because the Burly Brawl is going to be fun. Give us lots of reviews, we've worked our asses off on this thing (well, not really, since most of it was done VIA MSN, but heaps of it got deleted. THE AGENTS ARE ONTO US, FREE YOUR MINDS)  
  
Uh, no flaming, and no saying that we know nothing about the Matrix, because we've each watched M1 more than 40 times. Reloaded... more than five. Nyahhh. x_x;; Oh, damn. 


	2. Candy, Phone Calls and Burly Brawl

THE MATRIX: RECLICHED, PART TWO  
  
by Calli and Nain  
  
------------------------**  
  
INSIDE TACKY CHINATOWN-ESQUE MARKET THING.  
  
Neo: OOOH! MALIBU STACY!  
  
NEO RUNS OVER TO SEE MALIBU STACY COLLECTION  
  
Selling Guy: They're fifty gazillion bajillion dollars each.  
  
Trinity over Phone: NEO! FOCUS!  
  
Neo over Phone: BUT HER BOOBS ARE HUGE!  
  
Trinity: IT'S ME OR HER.  
  
NEO THROWS A TANTRUM  
  
Neo: BUT I WANT THE DOLLY!  
  
Trinity: Don't you want CANDY?  
  
Neo: ... can I have a sock puppet, and a slinky?  
  
Trinity: Yes, if you leave Malibu Stacy here.  
  
Neo: Okay! Bye bye!  
  
NEO ENTERS THE TEAHOUSE  
  
Seraph: YO, WHAT UP, BEEYOTCH?  
  
Neo: You have pretty sparkly code. Why?  
  
Seraph: Nobody knows. It's not explained in Revolutions. Now, let us have a bitchslapping fight that will entertain the audience for a little while.  
  
SERAPH AND NEO BITCH SLAP  
  
Seraph: I can't believe you knocked those cups over. There were stashes of illegal drugs in there!  
  
Neo: Oh. Are they bad?  
  
Seraph: No, they make you happy! And they give you this weirdo accent.  
  
Neo: And theeeeey givoooh dees weeeerooo aaahhhhceeeenttttee?  
  
Seraph: That's just dumb.  
  
Neo: Trinity said I'm not dumb! She said I'm special!  
  
Seraph: Yeah, Special Ed.  
  
Neo: -starts to sob hysterically-  
  
Seraph: Okay, I can only take so much of this. The Oracle's stuck with you now.  
  
Neo: Yay! Do you want my business card?  
  
Seraph: Just shut up already.  
  
NEO GIVES SERAPH HIS BUSINESS CARD.  
  
Business Card: NEO THOMAS ANDERSON, A.K.A. 'THE ONE'  
  
SAVIOUR SERVICES AND SUPERMODEL  
  
ZION, THE REAL WORLD  
  
Neo: I also bring people back to life!   
  
Seraph: -shoves Neo through door-  
  
Oracle: Come on, I don't bite. Hard.  
  
Neo: Oooh, feisty!  
  
Trinity over Phone: GASP!  
  
Neo: You're STILL on the phone?  
  
Trinity: Yeah. Can you IMAGINE what our phone bill is going to be?  
  
Neo: You're paying!  
  
Oracle: Come and sit next to me, schnookums.  
  
Neo: I wanna stand.  
  
Oracle: SIT, DAMMIT!  
  
Neo: Yes, master.  
  
NEO SITS and JUMPS UP AGAIN.  
  
Neo: Oww, a nail poked my butt!  
  
Oracle: Sit down and shut up. It's time for me to be cryptic.  
  
Audience: Dammit.  
  
Critics: We don't understand this movie, so let's give it a crap score!  
  
So Called Funny People: We're complete morons, so we just make necrophilliac jokes throughout it all!  
  
Oracle: Now, Neo, what happens in your dream?  
  
Neo: ... I see... Agent Smith.  
  
Oracle: Ahh! You see him and you fighting, don't you? On a long, abandoned stretch of road in the rain.  
  
Neo: Actually... -looks at hands- I see him in a strip club. And he's singing 'I'm Too Sexy'. And he dances in front of me... and then I get scared, because I don't know what I'm feeling... and then he leans forward to kiss me and I wake up.  
  
Oracle: ?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!  
  
Neo: Oh, you weren't talking about that dream.  
  
Oracle: Indeed. You humans really are... impulsive.  
  
Trinity over Phone: NEO!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Neo: GET OFF THE PHONE, OR WE'LL NEVER GET IT ON AGAIN.  
  
Trinity over Phone: Oh, fine.  
  
Oracle: Do you also have a dream about Trinity?  
  
Neo: Well, there's this one where she's doing a striptease...  
  
Oracle: NO, NOT THAT ONE. The one where she's falling.  
  
Neo: Oh, that one.  
  
Oracle: What do you see in THIS dream?  
  
NEO THINKS. IT LOOKS PAINFUL.  
  
Neo: ... bungy jumping?  
  
ORACLE ROLLS HER EYES.  
  
Oracle: Will CANDY make you talk?  
  
Neo: YES!  
  
Neo: -grabs candy and stuffs it in his mouth, almost choking- Well, I see Trinity shooting at an Agent, and then she falls. It's got really nifty special effects.  
  
Oracle: Do you see her die?  
  
Neo: Well, I came to the conclusion that she MUST die... No, I just see a big lump fall onto a car. I wonder whose car it is.  
  
Oracle: Is the licence plate SEXYORACLE1?  
  
Neo: Uhhh... no, it's SEXYASSARCHY5.  
  
Oracle: Larry will be so upset. He's very sensitive.  
  
Neo: Larry?  
  
Oracle: My bitch.  
  
Neo: YOU HAVE A BITCH TOO?  
  
Oracle: Yes. And you must visit him.  
  
Neo: Wait, who was that guy you were getting it on with in your apartment when I dropped by?  
  
Oracle: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Well, I must dash, my cookies are burnt.  
  
Neo: COOKIES!  
  
Oracle: Hey, you already ate all my candy.  
  
Neo: -with full mouth- No, I didn't.  
  
Oracle: Okay... um, you have to see the MeroIdiot, a very old french guy who is holding the Keymaker, who you need to get, since Keymaker and him were in a relationship and he has the key to Larry's apartment.  
  
Neo: Ohhhh, that is so gay.  
  
Oracle: What about you, Mr. Agent Lust?  
  
Neo: HOW DARE YOU MOCK MY CONFUSION OVER MY SEXUALITY!  
  
THE ORACLE LEAVES. ENTER AGENT SMITH IN DRAG. NEO'S EYES SHINE FOR A MOMENT, BUT THEN HE LOOKS TOUGH AGAIN.  
  
Smith: I see you are not wearing any eyeshadow, Miss Draaaanderson. You are very unfashionable.  
  
Neo: Uh... black is SO in!  
  
Smith: Excuse me, Miss Draaaanderson, but I have this totally incredible knowledge of the Drag Fashion Industry, and Vomit Green is the new black.  
  
Neo: No, Snot Yellow is the new Vomit Green!  
  
Smith: We should have a big party, to celebrate this happy happy day!  
  
Neo: Will there be... singing?  
  
Smith: What are you getting at? ... There will be Aaron Carter.  
  
Neo: -quickly- Never mind.  
  
Smith: I may perform my striptease.  
  
Neo: REALLY?!  
  
Smith: After I kick your candy ass.  
  
Neo: CANDY?!  
  
NEO STARES AT BUTT. SMITH ROLLS HIS MASCARAED EYES.  
  
Drag Smith 1-50: Let's kill the unfashionable one!  
  
BURLY BRAWL BEGINS.  
  
Nain and Calli: NEO, NEO, HE'S OUR GUY! IF HE CAN'T DO IT, AWAY HE'LL FLY! GOOOOO NEO!  
  
LADY WALKS PAST, CARRYING A LARGE CABBAGE  
  
NEO CONTINUES TO FIGHT RATHER POINTLESSLY  
  
Agent: Oh god, it's Priscilla!  
  
SMITH #50 PUTS ON AARON CARTER'S 'HAVE SOME FUN WITH THE FUNK'  
  
Drag Smith: Like, did you totally miss me?  
  
Agent: I missed your massages.  
  
Drag Smith: -blushes- I did give the best, didn't I? Johnson was such an amateur. Plus he was always trying to get into my pants.  
  
Agent: Well, I'm kind of supposed to get rid of you. Sorry, Pris.  
  
Drag Smith: Like, totally not!  
  
DRAG SMITH TURNS AGENT INTO COPY  
  
Drag Smith #51: Where's the mascara?  
  
Aaron: HAVE SOME FUN WIT' DA FUNK, KEEP BOPPIN'  
  
Neo: What IS this?  
  
Aaron: I don't know. I'm just a little boy.  
  
Drag Smith #42: And a perverted one at that.  
  
Aaron: YOU HAVE INSULTED MY HONOR. I'm going to get my zero-hit older brother and cry now.  
  
MORE AGENT SMITHS APPEAR, NEO GRABS BURLY BRAWL POLE  
  
Calli and Nain: WE LOVE YOU, POLE!  
  
NEO KICKS ALL THE AGENTS CANDY ASSES, THEN NEO FLIES AWAY  
  
Audience: Whoa.  
  
Fangirls and Boys: ... my life is complete...  
  
BACK ON THE NEBACHEEZFIZZLEMADIZZLENIZZLEYOSEXYNEOW00T  
  
Trinity: Are you okay, my sock puppet?  
  
Morpheus: Was it Priscilla?  
  
Link: You mean, Agent Smith. Priscilla was the bus.  
  
Neo: STOP SAYING THAT!  
  
NEO RUNS OFF TO HIS ROOM, SOBBING  
  
Nain: Whoa, he's taking this worse than me.  
  
Trinity: Shut up and keep scrubbing  
  
CALLI AND NAIN CONTINUE TO SCRUB THE DECK  
  
Nain: Why are we doing this again? Is it because we went near your bitch?  
  
Calli: No, it's because I stole her sunglasses.  
  
----------------------**  
  
A/N:: Ehh, sorry this is so short. ^^; And sorry it has taken so long to come out. Both Nain and myself are in complete shock after watching Revolutions, so... yeah. Thanks to everyone who left positive reviews, it's very much appreciated. 


	3. In Search of Larry's Boyfriend

THE MATRIX: RECLICHED  
  
by Nain (Nain) and Calli (WingdCallisto)  
  
----------------------------**  
  
INSIDE THE HALL THINGIE.  
  
Lock: So, yeah, that's why I think that we should have a Marijuana plantation inside Zion.  
  
Dillard: Ahh, that's very enlightening. How about the Squiddies Situation?  
  
Lock: Damn, I forgot about that...  
  
Dillard: Has there been word from the NebuCheeseFizzAnezzar?  
  
Lock: I don't know. I've been stoned for the last day or two.  
  
Dillard: Well, that's useful.  
  
West: We should send a ship out to find them.  
  
Queen Victoria: Volunteers?  
  
Lock: NOOOOOOOO!  
  
Queen Victoria: Shut up, you stoned stripper.  
  
Soren: Like, let's all go die!  
  
Niobe: I will come. And not die.  
  
Lock: YOU BITCH!  
  
Bane: Like, let's follow them!  
  
Niobe: Shut up, Jason.  
  
Lock: That hurt.  
  
Malachi: I hate you.  
  
Soren: Can we have another orgy?  
  
Dillard: I don't see why not.  
  
ORGY ENSUES.  
  
SCENE CUTS TO NEO AND TRIN AND MORPHEYPOO HOPPING IN AN ELEVATOR.  
  
Morpheus: Neo, what do you see?  
  
Neo: ... I see candy.  
  
Trinity: Oh, god.  
  
Neo: And pretty shiny bomby thingies.  
  
Morpheus: Oooh, the door is opening.   
  
Maitre d': BLAH BLAH BLAH?  
  
Morpheus: Merv.  
  
Maitre d': Oh, yeah, it's you guys.  
  
TRINITY, MORPHEUS AND NEO FOLLOW THE HACKING GUY   
  
Merv: Oh my god, it's Priscilla!  
  
Trinity: Priscilla is the BUS. And isn't this getting a little old?  
  
Calli and Nain: HELL NO!   
  
Merv: And you must be Neo, the One!  
  
Neo: If you don't have candy, I will crush you.  
  
Merv: And this is Trinity, she's pretty. And Morpheypoo... who has pores. Would you like some Cherryneocola?   
  
CALLI AND NAIN APPEAR, HOLDING LARGE BOTTLES OF CHERRYNEOCOLA.  
  
Calli: If he has big brown eyes, then he goes well in pies... CHERRY NEO.  
  
Nain: If he wears a black trenchoat, then he's not gross... CHERRY NEO.  
  
Merv: Shut up, or you can become my love slaves.  
  
Calli: WE'LL BE GOOD!  
  
Nain: THE HORROR!  
  
Merv: This is wine. Would you like some?  
  
Morpheus: Like, we want the Keyman.  
  
Trinity: The keymaker, you idiot.  
  
Merv: I like to swear in French. BLAH BLAH HACK COUGH BLAH.  
  
Neo: We need the keymaker so we can get the key to Larry's apartment.  
  
Persephone: Avoid the pomegranates.  
  
Neo: Oh, can I try one?  
  
Trinity: NEO!  
  
Merv: Would you like some orgasm cake?  
  
Trinity: What?  
  
Morpheus: Oooh! Can I...  
  
Merv: Look, I gave it to that sexy blonde over there.  
  
Trinity: -kicks Morpheus-  
  
SEXY BLONDE IS EATING THE CAKE  
  
Neo: What's an orgasm cake?  
  
Trinity: It has to do with sock puppet games, Neo.  
  
Neo: OOOH! DOES THAT LADY WANT TO PLAY WITH MY SOCK PUPPET?!  
  
Merv: No, she wants to play with mine.  
  
Persephone: But I had all those breast implants!  
  
Neo: I feel so unloved.  
  
Merv: Silicone does not interest me. I need to take a leak. Au revoir.  
  
Neo: This isn't over, you sock puppet you!  
  
Merv: Well, I don't really feel like letting you see the Keymaker. I know, life's a bitch.   
  
NEO, TRIN AND MORPHEUS HOP IN THE ELEVATOR.  
  
Neo: I'm going to now state the obvious. I wanted to play the sock puppet game. -sniffle-  
  
Trin: Did the Oracle say anything else?  
  
Neo: Well, she told me Larry was her bitch. And she told me about that funky prophetic dream where you fall into a car.  
  
Trinity: WHAT?  
  
Neo: Uhh, nevermind.  
  
DOOR OPENS  
  
Persephone: If you want the keymaker, follow my headlights.  
  
THEY WALK INTO THE MEN'S ROOM  
  
Neo: Want to play with my sock puppet? -winks-  
  
Man: No way, I bet yours is small! -flounces out-  
  
Trinity: NEO, YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME.  
  
Persephone: Oh, shut up. -goes to apply lipstick-  
  
Trin: Make me, bitch!  
  
Persephone: I will. Kiss me, Trinity's bitch.  
  
Trinity: YO, GET YOUR OWN MAN.  
  
Persephone: Oh, I have my own man. But he's actually a woman.  
  
Neo: PRISCILLA?!  
  
Trinity: That's a bus.  
  
Persephone: Hey, Neo, can you kiss me, PLEASE?!  
  
Trinity: KISS THIS INSTEAD! -cocks gun-  
  
Persephone: Why would I kiss a gun?  
  
Neo: Will you show us the keymaker if I kiss you?  
  
Persephone: Yeah, sure, whatever.  
  
NEO GRABS PERSEPHONE AND SMOOCHES HER  
  
Trinity: -sobs-  
  
Morpheus: If only Cypher were here...  
  
Persephone: Damn, that was good. Okay, let's go get the KEYMAKER.  
  
MORPHEUS, TRINITY AND NEO AND PERSEPHONE WALK THROUGH THIS SEWERY THING UNTIL THEY REACH A DOOR, PAINTED PINK AND COVERED IN FLOWERS.  
  
Neo: Is the keymaker in here?  
  
Persephone: Actually, that's where we keep Po and Tinky Winky.  
  
Neo: I WANNA SEE TINKY WINKY!  
  
NEO OPENS THE DOOR, IT SHUTS BEHIND HIM. HE IS IN TELLYTUBBY LAND.  
  
Neo: I've... I've seen this place before!  
  
Tinky Winky: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  
  
Po: Ooooooooooooooh!  
  
NEO RUBS HEAD LIKE A PSYCHIC  
  
Lala: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!  
  
Dipsey: Mooooooooooooooooo!  
  
Oracle: It's a pickle, no doubt about it. But, yeah, this is the same scene that's at the end of Revolutions.  
  
Po: NEEEEEEEEHOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
PO TACKLES NEO.  
  
Po: I WAAAAAAAA BEEEEEE AA SUUUUUPERFRIEND!  
  
Tinky Winky: No, we do not attack foals!  
  
Lala: What in fresh hell are you talking about?  
  
Noo-Noo: -makes vaccuum noises-  
  
Tinky Winky: I dunno. LET'S JUMP HIM!  
  
Noo-Noo: -makes more vaccuum noises-  
  
Dipsy: OOH! MY SPIDER SENSE IS TINGLING. IT IS TIME FOR US TO WATCH LITTLE CHILDREN BE EXPLOITED!  
  
THE BABY IN THE SKY, WHO BEARS AN UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO DEUS EX MACHINA, GIGGLES INSANELY. NEO, TINKY WINKY, DIPSY, LA LA AND PO ALL HOLD HANDS AND SKIP UP THE HILL TO WHERE THE RECEPTION IS BEST.  
  
Neo: Wow, I could have saved myself a fortune on drugs!  
  
Tinky Winky: Yeah. Don't buy drugs.  
  
Lala: When you're a Teletubby, people give 'em to you for FREE!  
  
Trinity: Neo, I think you've had enough of this bullshit. It's making you dumber than you already are.  
  
Neo: DON'T MAKE ME LEAVE!  
  
TRINITY PULLS NEO OUT THE DOOR  
  
Neo: But... we were going to exploit little children though subliminal messages... AND THEY SAID THEY'D GIVE ME ALL THE DRUGS I NEED!  
  
Trinity: We need the key. To Larry's apartment. Remember?  
  
THEY WALK TO THE KEYMAKER'S DOOR. NEO OPENS IT.  
  
INSIDE IS A MAN IN A CHICKEN SUIT.  
  
Keymaker: Are you a KFC worker?  
  
Neo: ...Colonel?  
  
Keymaker: Larry was the person who opened KFC. He said he'd come for me.   
  
Neo: Oh, super!  
  
Neo: LARRY IS THE COLONEL?  
  
Keymaker: Isn't it obvious?  
  
Neo: I'm kind of an idiot.  
  
Keymaker: Oh, that's okay. Well, shall we go?  
  
Trinity: Please.  
  
THEY ALL WALK INTO THE CHATEAU. MERVY APPEARS WITH HIS HENCHMEN AND TWINS.  
  
Merv: Why, Persy? Is it because of the womanizing and the drinking and the swearing and the pomegranates?  
  
Persephone: Good guess. Persephone: Plus, you're wearing all that lipstick.  
  
Merv: -guiltily wipes off Sexy Fire Engine lipstick with hanky-  
  
Neo: WE HAVE THE KEYMAKER, NYAH NYAH  
  
Merv: Shut up, Teletubby.  
  
Neo: Ouch.  
  
Trinity: DO NOT INSULT MY BITCH!  
  
Keymaker: I MUST GO TO LARRY!  
  
KEYMAKER RUNS AWAY.  
  
Merv: Blah, blah, blah. Disposable henchman, take care of Sock Puppet Boy.  
  
Twin 1: We're the most hyped characters in this movie's history.  
  
Twin 2: But we die.  
  
Merv: Valuable henchman, go after the little Asian guy.  
  
Trinity: I will follow him.  
  
Morpheus: As shall I.  
  
Neo: I'll stay here and find Tinky Winky.  
  
Trinity: NEO!  
  
Neo: Uhh, I mean, fight.  
  
TRINITY AND MORPHEUS FOLLOW KEYMAKER DUDE  
  
Tinky Winky: Here I am!  
  
Neo: TINKY!  
  
THEY RUN TO EACH OTHER  
  
Tinky Winky: NEO!  
  
Neo: Tinky, these mean people want to kill me. Do you think you could torture them, but be educational?  
  
Tinky Winky: Of course, I have just the thing. THE ABC SONG!  
  
Neo: YAY!  
  
Neo: Q Z d e a p d?  
  
Henchmen: Oh my god.  
  
Tinky Winky: No, ABC.  
  
Neo: Z Y N ?  
  
Henchman 1: It's ABC, YOU IDIOT!  
  
Neo: I'M TRYING, OKAY?!  
  
  
  
Henchman 2: SCREW THIS! -shoots at Neo-  
  
NEO STOPS THE BULLETS  
  
Neo: I'M TRYING TO LEARN, DAMMIT!  
  
Henchman 3: Di-iss.  
  
NEO GETS ANNOYED AND KILLS ALL THE PEOPLE IN VARIOUS WAYS  
  
Mervy: Damn you, illiterate ph433k.  
  
Neo: You know l337speak?  
  
Mervy: 0F (0(_)453 //\\//07. 1 j(_)57 K//\\//0\/\/ 4 //\\//\\0|)1F13|) \/34510/\/.  
  
Neo: Huh?  
  
Mervy: Okay, well, I'm going to go now.  
  
MERVY SLAMS DOOR.  
  
Neo: Tinky, I have to go save Trinity. But I'll always love you.  
  
Tinky Winky: You're not going to die. Not here. Not now. You're gonna make lots of babies, and you're gonna go on.  
  
Neo: But... I'm so cold.  
  
MY HEART WILL GO ON, BY CELINE DION, BEGINS TO PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND.  
  
James Cameron: OH MY GOD, THE WACHOWSKIS STOLE MY STUPID, CHEESY, PRIZE-WINNING SCRIPT!  
  
Wachowkis: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Leonardo DiCaprio: I was supposed to be in this movie.  
  
Joel Silver: Yeah, I wanted more money for more burgers. But, nooo, the Wachowskis just HAD to have Keanu. So I didn't get my burgers, and he got a million bucks. Not only did I want burgers, but I wanted chicken.  
  
Larry: And Tastee Wheat.  
  
Andy: And Duracells!  
  
Larry: And Powerade...  
  
----------------------------**  
  
A/N: [NAIN] Digdug! Woo! Uh, anyway. I hope you like this piece of shit so far. We're also writing "The Matrix: Cliched," a Matrix parody. Cypher the LOVE GOD! -collapses into a fit of giggles-  
  
A/N: [CALLI] I have absolutely nothing to say. Have a nice day. 


	4. Hello, this is Link, the Love God

THE MATRIX: RECLICHED  
  
BY NAIN AND CALLI  
  
SEVERAL HOURS LATER  
  
Joel Silver: ... and don't forget the limited edition Matrix Phone.   
  
Larry: And all the 'official' tight leather outfits!  
  
Andy: And the bedsheets!  
  
Larry: And the shorts!  
  
Andy: And the really ugly action figures!  
  
Joel Silver: You know, I don't really care about this movie, I just want money.  
  
CUT TO THE FREEWAY  
  
Joel Silver: Can we somehow sell the cars used here for a tidy profit?  
  
Wachowskis: Shut up, Joel.  
  
Joel Silver: But, I mean, think about all our moolah!  
  
Trinity: Why is it that I always have to drive?  
  
Morpheus: Uhhh... because... um...  
  
Twin 1: Wow, isn't my name interesting?  
  
Twin 2: Totally.  
  
MORPHEUS CALLS TANK  
  
Tank: Duh, I'm dead.  
  
Morpheus: I know, but I really hate Link.  
  
Tank: NO, really? That's super. -hangs up-  
  
MORPHEUS CALLS LINK  
  
Link: Hello, Link's house of love! I'm Link, the love God!  
  
Morpheus: ... Deja Vu.  
  
Link: ... No, sir, this is Link the Love God.  
  
MORPHEUS HANGS UP AND LOOKS AT TRINITY  
  
Morpheus: I guess we're on our own.  
  
Trinity: Trust me, we've been on our own ever since you employed that annoying, pointless character.  
  
Ham-Man: I would like to stress how pointless this scene is.  
  
SCENE CUTS TO NEO, STANDING IN FRONT OF THE MERO'S CHATEAU  
  
Link: Hello, Link's House of Love! I'm Link, the Love God!  
  
Neo: Hi, Love God!  
  
Link: What can I get for you, Mr..?  
  
Neo: Actually, my name's Miss Dranderson.  
  
Link: Oh, it's you. I'll get Agent Smith for you.  
  
Neo: NO!  
  
Agent Smith: Helllo, Missssss Dranderson. How are you?  
  
Neo: I need to figure out where everyone else went. They left me all alone with Merv.  
  
Agent Smith: Aww, Miss Dranderson, you've had a tough day. Let me sing you a song.  
  
AGENT SMITH SINGS 'I'M TOO SEXY'  
  
Neo: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!   
  
NEO HANGS UP  
  
Neo: Wait, dammit, I should have asked if he'd do a striptease. Ah, well. -waves pointed finger around with his eyes closed- I'll fly... that way! -leaves-  
  
CUT BACK TO FREEWAY  
  
Morpheus: Wow, we're going to now participate in a fourteen-minute car chase!  
  
Trinity: Now, where did my bitch go?  
  
Twin One: I am getting conspitated.  
  
Twin Two: Yes, you are.  
  
NEO IS STILL FLYING THROUGH THE AIR  
  
NIOBE IS STANDING IN A WIERD PLACE, CALLING   
  
LINK.  
  
Link: Hello! Link's House of Love! This is Link, the Love God!  
  
Niobe: Link, it's Niobe. What the hell are you doing, boi?  
  
Link: Uhhh... nothing.  
  
Niobe: So, where's my ex-bitch? I've been sent to bring him back to Zion so my current bitch can thwap him.  
  
Link: Follow the sirens. Now, please go, you're tying up the phone line.  
  
CUT TO FREEWAY, AGAIN.  
  
Agent Fuzzy: Oh, look, it's the exile.  
  
Agent Bunny: Well, we can either catch him, or go to the drag club.  
  
Agent Disco Stu: Oooh, baby, you know what I want!  
  
THE AGENTS DRIVE AWAY IN THEIR LOVE BUS  
  
Trinity: Oh my god, it's Priscilla!  
  
Morpheus: Priscilla is the bus.  
  
Trinity: NO, IT'S THE PRISCILLA BUS. LOOK.  
  
TRINITY POINTS OUT THE WINDOW AS A PINK BUS DRIVES UP THE ROAD  
  
Morpheus: OOOH!  
  
Trinity: Focus, you bald idiot.  
  
MORPHEUS GETS OUT HIS CAMERA  
  
Keymaker: Um, can we please get on with this?  
  
TRNIITY DRIVES UP ANOTHER ROAD AND MORPHEUS HOPS OUT  
  
Morpheus: If you launch yourself onto that truck, filled with stratigically placed motorbikes, you'll be able to escape.  
  
Trinity: But, Morpheus, you can't stop the twin things!  
  
Morpheus: I can... because our bond of love is strong.  
  
MORPHEUS AND TRINITY GAZE AT EACH OTHER, EYES SHINING. BRITNEY SPEARS' 'DEAR DIARY' BEGINS TO PLAY  
  
Trinity: Morpheus... I have to tell you, that I've always loved you. Neo may be my bitch, but it is you for whom my heart truly longs.  
  
Morpheus: -clutches Trinity's hands- But... you are so in love with Neo! How... how could you love a bald, acne-scarred man like me?  
  
Trinity: ... Good Question.  
  
TRINITY GRABS THE KEYMAKER AND JUMPS ON A TRUCK   
  
THE TWINS HOP OUT OF THE CAR AND FACE MORPHEUS  
  
Twin 1: We will now kill you.  
  
Twin 2: Yes, we will.  
  
MorpheusL That's what you think, you overhyped albinos!  
  
MORPHEUS PULLS OUT CELL PHONE AND CALLS SOMEONE  
  
Morpheus over Phone: Hey, Baby, it's me. -laughs- Yeah, it's been awhile. Hey, d'you think you could come give me a hand? Thanks. Love you. Kiss Kiss.  
  
MORPHEUS HANGS UP AND GLARES AT THE TWINS. SUDDENLY, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE APPEARS.  
  
Justin: Hey, guys and girls! Ready for some really raunchy action?  
  
THE AGENTS PROCEED TO SWARM JUSTIN  
  
Agent Fuzzy: You're, like, my FAVORITE SINGER EVER!  
  
Agent Bunny: YEAH, LIKE, KISS ME!  
  
Justin: Sorry, Morphey-baby. I'm out.  
  
THE TWINS DIE BECAUSE THEY ARE POINTLESS  
  
Calli: Wow, what was it with those characters?  
  
Nain: They were really nifty, though.  
  
Calli: Yeah, but they sprouted pointless lines.   
  
TRINITY GETS ON A MOTORBIKE  
  
Trinity: Link, I need a program for--  
  
Link: Hello, Link's House of Love! This is Link, the Love God!  
  
Trinity: SHUT UP, YOU MORON. I NEED TO HOTWIRE A MOTORCYCLE!  
  
Link: For guy on guy action, press 1. For agent on woman in red dress action, press 2.  
  
Keymaker: Here, take my key.  
  
Trinity: You're totally perverse, you know that?  
  
Link: And that's why Zee married me.  
  
Trinity: She didn't marry you.  
  
Link: Oh, yeah....  
  
KEYMAKER GAZES AT TRINITY'S BUTT AS SHE HOPS ON THE MOTORCYCLE  
  
Keymaker: I can see your ass through those pants!  
  
NEO APPEARS  
  
Neo: DO NOT TOUCH MY SOCK PUPPET!  
  
Trinity: OH, NEO! -flings her arms around his neck-  
  
MORPHEUS JUMPS ON THE MOTORCYCLE AND GIVES A CHEESY GRIN  
  
Morpheus: Miss me, y'all?  
  
Neo: Not really. Shall we go now?  
  
Trinity: Of course, sock puppet.  
  
NEO GRABS THEM ALL UNDER HIS ARMS  
  
Morpheus: Dude, did you forget deodorant again today?  
  
Neo: Uhh....  
  
THEY ALL FLY OFF INTO THE SUNSET  
  
----  
  
A/N (Nain): It's just me posting this lonely author's note today, folks. Anyway, I have nothing to say. Woohoo. 


	5. Morpheus is Violently Sick

The Matrix: Recliched  
  
by Nain and Calli  
  
-----------------------------------**  
  
NEO IS WEARING A BRIGHT PINK BRITNEY-SPEARS (post. 'I'm a slave 4u') DRESS AND A BEMUSED LOOK  
  
Neo: Are you sure this deodrant ad will help us find the keymaker?  
  
Trinity: We already found the Keymaker. You just weren't there; you were playing with Tinky Winky.  
  
Morpheus: She's lying. Trinity, stop mocking his sexuality and go get the ribbons.  
  
TRINITY APPEARS, HOLDING PINK LACY RIBBONS  
  
Trinity: I'm so sorry, Neo.  
  
Neo: It's okay. I love you, Trinity.  
  
Trinity: Awwww.  
  
MORPHEUS IS VIOLENTLY SICK  
  
Trinity: God, you are such a third wheel.  
  
Morpheus: But I was special in the first movie!  
  
Trinity: Well, now that Neo and I are together, we're more special.  
  
Morpheus: I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THIS! -bursts into tears-  
  
Neo: Uh, so, do I just spray the deodrant around me?  
  
Director: No, you also have to say, 'Femme deodrant, because I'm worth it.'  
  
Neo: "Fun dorden fuzz me work it?"  
  
Director: Are you retarded?  
  
Neo: Yeah.  
  
SCENE CUTS TO LARRY SITTING IN HIS APARTMENT WATCHING TV AND EATING PIZZA  
  
MTV Guy: I'm here with Brittany Murphy, talking about her new movie, 'Uptown Girls'  
  
Brittany: It's sooo beautiful!  
  
MTV Guy: Is it a good movie?  
  
Brittany: Of course! It's sooo beautiful!  
  
MTV Guy: ... do you even like the movie?  
  
Brittany: Of course! It's sooo beautiful!  
  
AD BREAK ENSUES  
  
NEO IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A TROPICAL BACKDROP WITH THE KEYMAKER BY HIS SIDE  
  
Neo: Dammit  
  
Neo: Uhh... line?  
  
Director: We've already been filming for a minute!  
  
CRASHING SOUND IN BACKGROUND  
  
Keymaker: I went to get some KFC. Sorry about that.  
  
Trinity: NEO! FEMME DEODORANT! BECAUSE I'M WORTH IT!  
  
Larry: OH MY GOD, IT'S MY BITCH!  
  
Neo: Huh?  
  
Keymaker: LARRY, I LOVE YOU.  
  
Larry: OMG!  
  
Neo: Whoa.  
  
Keymaker: I WANT YOU, BABY!  
  
THE TV GOES BACK TO THE INTERVIEW  
  
MTV Guy: Do you think Neo is hot?  
  
Brittany: ... The movie is, like, sooooo beautiful.  
  
MTV Guy: I have a migraine. We've got to cut this interview.  
  
SCENE CUTS TO NEO AND TRINITY AND MORPHEUS AND THE KEYMAKER AND OTHER PEOPLE IN A ROOM IN THE LAFAYETTE (sp?) HOTEL  
  
Keymaker: Larry and Keymaker, sitting in a...  
  
Morpheus: Ahem.  
  
Keymaker: Sorry.  
  
Neo: Now, what are we supposed to do? Eat cheese and do the HOOLA?  
  
NEO DOES A RATHER SCARY HIP-THRUSTING DANCE  
  
Trinity: Neo, sit.  
  
Neo: Yes, mummy.  
  
Keymaker: Now, here's how we get to Larry.  
  
Neo: Will he let me play with his sock puppet?  
  
Trinity: Neo, only I can play with your sock puppet.  
  
Soren, Soren's Crew, Niobe and Ghost: This is more than we needed to know.  
  
Ghost: I PINE FOR YOU, TRINITY!  
  
Trinity: Shut up, Ghost.  
  
Ghost: Okay.  
  
Keymaker: Now, Larry lives on a floor where no stair reaches.  
  
Neo: How do we get there then?  
  
Keymaker: We take the elevator.  
  
Neo: Why?  
  
Keymaker: Shut up, you retard.  
  
Neo: Why?  
  
Trinity: Oh, Neo... be quiet.  
  
Neo: Why?  
  
Trinity: Because, otherwise, I'll KILL TINKYWINKY.  
  
Neo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo  
  
Trinity: He'd be less upset if I died.  
  
Neo: Probably.  
  
Keymaker: Now, Once we get to the magical floor, we must find the magical door. This door is special. This door leads to Larry's Apartment, a wonderous world.  
  
Morpheus: Do we get feather boas?  
  
Everyone: ...  
  
Keymaker: Actually, it's possible.  
  
Morpheus: YAY!  
  
Keymaker: However, the floor is so sensitive that if anyone steps on it an alarm will be set off and Britney Spears will play until your eardrums explode. So, we need someone to blow up the power plant, so the electricity won't work.  
  
Neo: Why?  
  
Morpheus: How long do we have before the music starts?  
  
Keymaker: three hundred and fourteen seconds.  
  
Neo: Ooh! Pie!  
  
Calli: Is it cherryneopie?  
  
SCENE CUTS TO NEO AND TRINITY SITTING ON A BED  
  
Trinity: Neo, what's wrong, sock puppet?  
  
Neo: Uhhh... I need you to do something,.  
  
Trinity: Does it have anything to do with Po?  
  
Neo: No.  
  
Trinity: Oh, thank God.  
  
Neo: Anyway, what I need you to do is... um... not come into the Matrix.  
  
Trinity: Oh, okay, whatever. Let's get it on some more.  
  
Neo: Yay!  
  
Audience: MY GOD, THEY'RE LIKE RABBITS!  
  
CUT TO POWER PLANT THINGY MA BOB. IT GOES 'KABOOM'  
  
Niobe: Come on, Ghost, let's go smoke a joint.  
  
Ghost: Yes, Mistresssssssss. BUT I PINE FOR TRINITY!  
  
Link: Ooh, the backup power has come on! Look at the pretty lights...  
  
Trinity: Oh, God, when they open that door, we're all gonna die.  
  
Neo: We are totally oblivious to what's going on.  
  
Hamann: Rock On!  
  
HAMANN AND NEO HEADBUTT  
  
Trinity: I have to jack off.  
  
Link: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!  
  
Trinity: I said, I have to jack in.  
  
Link: Oooh. But didn't Neo tell you not to?  
  
Trinity: Screw Neo.  
  
Link: Literally?   
  
Trinity: SHUT UP, LINK.  
  
SCENE CUTS TO NEO AND CO. IN THE HALLWAY  
  
Neo: I need to find a bathroom!  
  
Morpheus: Can you hang on for a little bit longer?  
  
Neo: NO!!!!!  
  
NEO DUCKS INTO ONE OF THE ROOMS THEN COMES BACK OUT  
  
Neo: .... ahhh...  
  
Morpheus: FOCUS!  
  
Keymaker: It is this door.  
  
THE DOOR IS PINK  
  
SCENE CUTS TO TRIN HACKING COMPUTER  
  
Trinity: Oooh, I wonder how my neopet is going?  
  
CHANGES BROWSER WINDOW  
  
Link: Trinity, you're supposed to be saving your bitch's life.  
  
TRINITY FINISHES HACKING THE MAINFRAME  
  
Computer Room Technician: Whoo, check out her ass!  
  
Computer Room Guard: Hey grrl asl wanna cyber?  
  
Trinity: I'll just beat you up instead.  
  
TRINITY BEATS UP TECHNICIANS  
  
AGENT DRAG SMITH APPEARS IN HALLWAY WITH HIS CLONES.  
  
Drag Smith: Hello, big boy. Still using all the muscles except the one that matters?  
  
Neo: Actually, my sock puppet's gotten a pretty good workout lately.  
  
Drag Smith: Stop rubbing it in that you're getting some and I'm not.  
  
NEO SMIRKS  
  
Drag Smith: I want exactly what you want. I want that jaccuzi with the bikini-clad drag queens in it.  
  
Morpheus: How about a bullet from this gun?  
  
Drag Smith: Haha, you don't have any cool lines anymore  
  
Morpheus: -starts to cry-  
  
Drag Smith: Sexy Clones, Kill the unsexy ones!  
  
NEO GETS ANNOYED AND PICKS UP MORPHEUS AND THE KEYMAN. THEY FLY THROUGH THE PINK DOOR AND INTO A BORING WAITING ROOM THAT RESEMBLES A DENTISTS, COMPLETE WITH FISHBOWL AND FAT RECEPTIONIST  
  
Fat Receptionist: And who are you here to see?  
  
Neo: Larry.  
  
Keymaker: I'm dying  
  
Neo: Morphey, I think you should go.   
  
Keymaker: I'm dying  
  
Morpheus: Coolie!  
  
Neo: I mean, away.   
  
MORPHEUS GOES TO FLIRT WITH THE RECEPTIONIST  
  
Neo: I DON'T LIKE YOU AND YOU'RE RUINING MY MOMENT  
  
Morpheus: -starts to cry again-  
  
Keymaker: I've died  
  
Receptionist: Larry will see you now, Neo. Morpheus, piss off.  
  
NEO WALKS OVER TO A DOOR AND ENTERS. BRIGHT LIGHT AND HAPPY MUSIC ENSUES...  
  
OR DOES IT?!  
  
-----------------------------------**  
  
A/N:: Calli: It's just me today, everyone. Sorry this chapter is short and boring, but me and Nain are sick of writing this thing, and we want to get on with our other projects. However, the architect scene and Trin's death will be fun. Watch this space. 


	6. Trinity Has a Mouthful of Blood

The Matrix: Recliched  
  
by Nain and Calli  
  
-----------------------------**  
  
NEO WALKS INTO LARRY'S APARTMENT, WHICH IS COVERED IN TV SCREENS THAT ARE PLAYING A CHEESY PORNO FILM  
  
Larry: Whoops. Uh, hi. I'm Larry. I created the Matrix.  
  
Neo: Does that mean... you created COOKIES?  
  
Larry: Sure, yeah, whatever.  
  
NEO LEAPS ON LARRY  
  
Neo: See my name tag? Isn't it purdy?  
  
Larry: -squints and tries to read name- Nee... neee... ho... ko... Neehoko!  
  
Neo: I'm special. See my third nipple?  
  
Larry: Ooh, kinky.  
  
NEO CUDDLES UP TO LARRY  
  
Neo: So, why am I here, Lazzo?  
  
Larry: -giggles- I don't remember. You smell nice.  
  
Neo: It's J-Lo's new fragrance.  
  
Larry: I LOVE J-LO!  
  
Neo: She is so HOT!  
  
LARRY HITS PEN AND ALL THE TV SCREENS PLAY THE "JENNY FROM THE BLOCK" MUSIC VIDEO  
  
Neo: But, you know, I already have a bitch.  
  
Larry: I have two.  
  
  
  
Neo: NO WAY! HOW?  
  
Larry: Well, the Oracle is my Sex-Toy, and my beloved Keyman is my boy-toy. Rawr.  
  
Neo: Um, Larrykins, can I be another of your bitches?  
  
Larry: Only if you dump that neuter Trinity. Oh, speaking of her, she's about to die.  
  
Neo: WHOA, BACK IT UP HERE, DUDE.  
  
Larry: Do you know, you've been glomping an old man for the past ten minutes and you haven't even asked what the hell you're doing?  
  
Neo: Trinity's going to DIE? THAT MEANS NO MORE SOCK PUPPET GAMES!  
  
Larry: Did you know that there were five other Ones before you?  
  
Calli: SHARE THE LOVE!  
  
Nain: Just don't share the love if it's in disease form.  
  
Larry: She's going to die, and you're too pussywhipped to do anything about it.  
  
Neo: I am not pussywhipped!  
  
Larry: Shut up.  
  
Neo: Okay, Lazzo. I gotta go save my bitch.  
  
Neo: Lataz!  
  
Larry: But you have to choose the right door! WAAIT!  
  
NEO IGNORES LARRY BUT PAUSES AT THE DOOR  
  
Neo: If I were you, I'd stop releasing those porn pictures of myself. It's just wrong.  
  
Larry: But I want you to stay so I can smell and cuddle you!  
  
Neo: Oh, okay. -leaps into Larry's arms-  
  
Larry: By the way, the door on your left leads to the salvation of your bitch. The door on your right leads to the salvation of the rest of humanity.  
  
SCENE CUTS TO TRINITY BEING PURSUED BY AGENT  
  
Trinity: Whoah. Deja vu.  
  
Trumpets: DAN DAN DAA DAAAAAAN!  
  
Trinity: After something explodes, I will then proceed to kick some ass, as is customary of all action movies.  
  
Explosion: Why the hell are you waiting for me? GO KICK ASS, GIRL!  
  
TRINITY KICKS some MAJOR ASS  
  
Security Guards: Do we get paid for this? WE HAVE KIDS TO FEED, YOU KNOW.  
  
Wachowskis: Are you kidding? We've already blown 200 million dollars on this movie. All that happens is you die. Therefore, we are not paying you.  
  
Security Guards' Children: WE'RE SO HUNGRY!   
  
SCENE CUTS TO NEO AND LARRY AGAIN  
  
NEO IS COVERED IN LIPSTICK  
  
Neo: Well, I gotta go now, Laz.  
  
Larry: Tata, my little butterfly! I will love you forEVA!  
  
Neo: Sorry, my heart belongs to Tinky Winky.  
  
NEO DOES THE BADASS FLYING THING  
  
Trinity: Excuse me, I'm suspended in Bullet-Time here, can we get on with this, please?  
  
Agent Bunny: Oooh, look, a rebel. Let's shoot at her!  
  
Agent Fuzzy: Yes, lets.  
  
TRINITY JUMPS OUT of a WINDOW  
  
Agent Bunny: I wonder if I can still shoot at you while falling.  
  
Trinity: My gunshots have perfect timing! Oops. Ow!  
  
Stupid Members of Audience: Noooooo! Trinity's dead!  
  
Neo: OH, NO, MY BITCH!  
  
Trinity: OH, SOCK PUPPET!  
  
NEO CATCHES TRINITY AND AGENT BUNNY SMASHES THE PRISCILLA BUS  
  
Mitzi Del Bra: Oh, damn.  
  
CUT TO ROOFTOP PLACE THINGIE  
  
Neo: Sorry. I got tied up with Larry. Literally.  
  
Trinity: Who?   
  
Neo: Uhh... nevermind.  
  
Trinity: I'm dying, bitch.  
  
Neo: NO MORE SOCK PUPPET?  
  
Trinity: Don't be sad, bish.  
  
Neo: I suppose Larry and me can play the game with the rubber duckie  
  
Trinity: I'm sorry.  
  
Neo: About what?  
  
NEO PULLS THE BULLET OUT OF TRIN'S STOMACH  
  
Trinity: OW!  
  
Trinity: Uh, you told me not to go into the Matrix. And I did.  
  
Neo: I told you not to, you fool.  
  
Trinity: Well, I suppose I should die now, since my death scene is even longer in the next movie. Bye, sock puppet.  
  
TRINITY DIES  
  
Neo: Okay. For the sake of the shippers, there has to be something I can do.  
  
NEO STICKS HIS HAND INTO TRINITY'S CHEST  
  
Calli: She's already dead, you sexy idiot.  
  
Nain: If you leave her alone, you can have US!  
  
Neo: But I want Tinky Winky And Larry and Trinnypoo!  
  
NEO DESPERATELY TRIES TO REAWAKEN TRINITY  
  
Calli: Oh, for the sake of humanity...  
  
Neo: No! Anything but you two!  
  
Calli: You're supposed to grab her heart and bring her back to life, dammit.  
  
Neo: Oh.  
  
SCENE CUTS TO PRETTY SHINY CODE. NEO STICKS HIS HAND INTO TRINITY'S CHEST AND GRABS HER HEART  
  
Trinity: Neo, I thought we discussed sticking your hand into my... hey! I'm alive!  
  
Neo: Can we make out?  
  
Nain and Calli: OUR EYES!  
  
Trinity: My mouth is full of blood, but sure!  
  
TRIN AND NEO KISS PASSIONATELY, MUCH TO THE DISGUST OF THE REMAINING CINEMAGOERS.  
  
  
  
CUT TO THE NEBUWHATEVER  
  
Neo: So, yeah. The Oracle is just some weird old black lady who gives me candy.  
  
Morpheus: MY DREAMS ARE SO SHATTERED. NOW I'LL NEVER BE GOD OF ZION.  
  
Link: You mean Goddess of Zion... Err... nothing.  
  
Neo: And by the way, that thing flying toward us is a bomb, so we should probably leave.  
  
Trinity: You think?  
  
CUT TO FREAKY SMOKY EARTH SURFACE PLACE  
  
THE NEBUWONK BLOWS UP  
  
Morpheus: Dammit. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.  
  
Trinity: And you didn't even get coffee this morning.  
  
Morpheus: THAT'S RIGHT! I DIDN'T! I'M GOING TO MY TRAILER!  
  
  
  
Neo: It's the squids. But I can feel them. They have...   
  
Trinity: NEO!  
  
NEO PUTS HIS HANDS OUT TO STOP THE SQUIDDIES AS THEY APPROACH  
  
Trinity: Ohmygod, it's ZION IS WITHIN A MATRIX!  
  
NEO SHOOTS THE SQUIDS, THEN FALLS TO THE GROUND  
  
Trinity: I should have said something meaningful. Oh well.  
  
MORPHEUS RUNS OVER, WEARING A FEATHER BOA AND CARRYING A MUG OF COFFEE, WHICH HE POURS ON NEO  
  
Morpheus: LYK OMG! WAT HAPEND 2 DA 1?  
  
Trinity: He fell down.  
  
Neo: -sniffle- I fell down go boom!  
  
Trinity: You're supposed to be unconscious.  
  
ZeeGrandPoobah: Neo: Oh, yeah. -slumps over again-  
  
Link: Hey, it's the Mjolnrrrrrrrrrr!  
  
Morpheus: The Hammer?  
  
Link: That's what I said. The Mjolnrrrrrrrrrrrr.  
  
THEY ALL HOP ON THE HAMMER  
  
M.C. Hammer: Welcome to my ship.  
  
Roland: It's MY ship!  
  
ZeeGrandPoobah: M.C.: Is not, foo'!  
  
Roland: You suck.  
  
SCENE CUTS TO THE HOSPITAL-Y AREA  
  
Maggie: Well, his vitals are stable, but by the looks of it he's having porn-star dreams.  
  
Trinity: Will this madness ever end?  
  
Maggie: Not while there are massive audiences to show this movie to.  
  
Trinity: Dammit.  
  
Maggie: Why don't you go and get some rest?  
  
Trinity: Bitch.  
  
SCENE CUTS TO THE MEETING-Y AREA  
  
Roland: Lock was right--  
  
Morpheus: Pompous prick...  
  
Roland: Blah blah blah screwed blah  
  
Mauser: Five ships went down, thanks to the EMP blah blah  
  
Colt: blah blah blah  
  
Link: This is so boring!  
  
Roland: This movie was full of boring lines!  
  
Ham-Man: I would like to say that this is a very boring scene.  
  
Roland: Oh, by the way, there was only one survivor.  
  
Link: Only one?  
  
Roland: Didn't I just say that, you tool?  
  
SCENE CUTS TO BANE, SMIRKING AND TWITCHING.  
  
~~~~TO BE CONTINUED~~~  
  
The fifteen minute credits roll, and many people get up to leave the cinema. They're annoyed at having sat around for two hours to watch a movie with no proper ending. Someone throws MnMs at the screen in anger.   
  
A short preview for Revolutions shows.  
  
Oracle: Everything that has a beginning, has an end...  
  
Neo: That is like so totally profound!  
  
Voice Over: The Matrix: Revolutions, soon to be parodied by Callisto Lockaway and Nain Sahriko... With guest appearances by Tinky Winky, the Pomegranates and our favourite Oracle! Coming soon. 


	7. outtake 1 'My Art Will Mow Lawn'

The Matrix: Recliched   
  
by Nain and Calli  
  
---------------------**  
  
CALLI AND NAIN ARE STANDING BEFORE A BLACK SCREEN  
  
Calli: Welcome to the Outtakes of 'The Matrix: Recliched!' We are now going to show you a series of scenes that NEVER made it to the final cut.   
  
Nain: First of all, we were going to have Neo and Tinky Winky sing a heartrending rendition of "My Heart Will Go On." However, it didn't make it into the script. We're not sure why.  
  
CUT TO CHATEAU  
  
Neo: Tinky Winky, I have never felt this way.  
  
Tinky: I have. I had a really steamy affair with that guy from "Friends."  
  
NEO CHOOSES TO IGNORE TINKY'S PREVIOUS COMMENT  
  
Neo: It is because of you that I no longer doubt my sexuality.   
  
Tinky: I still think you're stupid for becoming gay, especially when Persy is trying to jump on your back.  
  
NEO CONTINUES TO IGNORE TINKY'S COMMENTS  
  
Neo: Let's sing a song to symbolize our deep bond of love.  
  
Tinky: Dude, that's so beautiful!  
  
NEO GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND PULLS A MICROPHONE OUT OF SOMEWHERE, BUT WE DO NOT WISH TO SPECIFY  
  
Neo: "Everynight in my fleems, I froo froo, I feel ... trinity..."  
  
TINKY LOOKS ANGRY  
  
Neo: I mean, "YOU!"  
  
NEO COUGHS  
  
Tinky: "Far across the the distance and spaces between us, you have come to show that you go onnnnnnnnn..."  
  
Neo: "Feel, Lars, I eat chicken tar! I flee, my art will mow lawn..."  
  
Tinky: "Once more you open the pink flowered door, and you're here in my plastic heart!"  
  
Together: "And my art will MOOOOOOOW LAAAAAWN..."  
  
NEO WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND TINKY  
  
Neo: "Gloves can slap us one time, but make me, go bye bye!"  
  
Tinky: "And never let go until we're one purple person..."  
  
Neo: "Glove was when I gloved moo, one choo rhyme, I smoo smoo!"  
  
Tinky: "In my TV life, we'll always corrupt children!"  
  
Neo: "Fear, Lars, Your sister is in the backseat of my car... And I know that my art will mow lawn."  
  
Tinky: "Once more, you open the pink flowered door, and you're here in my gay heart!"  
  
Together: "OUR ART WILL MOW LAWNNNNNNNNNNN!"  
  
Neo: "Floor, gear, I eat cheese and fleas, and I know, that my art will mow lawn."  
  
Tinky: "We'll, stay, forever so gay! You are safe in my plastic heart, and..."  
  
Together: "OUR ART WILL MOW LAWN AND LAWN! MMMMMMMMMMMM! LAAAAAAAAA!!!!! OOOOH!!!!!!!!! DDDDDUUUUUUUUMMMM! DADADA!"  
  
NEO AND TINKY GAZE AT EACH OTHER WITH TEARS IN THEIR EYES  
  
Neo: I love you, Tinky.  
  
Tinky: ... I think I'm still in love with David Schwimmer, but what the hell.  
  
TRINITY ENTERS, LOOKING ANGRY.  
  
Neo: TRINITY!  
  
Trinity: Neo, how could you?! I thought you loved me. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!  
  
TRINITY WALKS OUT AND SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HER  
  
Neo: OMG, TRINNY, I LOVE YOU! COME BACK!  
  
NEO RUNS THROUGH THE DOORWAY, SCREAMING LIKE A HEADLESS CHICKEN.  
  
Tinky: Dammit. 


	8. outtake 2 'What REALLY Goes on in the Pr...

The Matrix: Recliched  
  
by Nain and Calli  
  
---------------------**  
  
CALLI AND NAIN ARE STANDING BEFORE A BLACK SCREEN, LOOKING SLIGHTLY HORRIFIED AND GREEN.  
  
Calli: ... now, wasn't that fun, minions? We have a special outtakey tribute for you now... in which we ENTER THE ELUSIVE PRISCILLA BUS! Yes, you heard me, we enter the Love-Den of the Gay Agents! Are you feeling happy yet?  
  
Nain: You won't be feeling happy in the bus. Don't expect it.  
  
Calli: But we love the Pris Bus!  
  
Nain: Yes, but it's pink. And you know the evil soul who lives in there.  
  
Calli: ... the conforming hobbit of DOOM?!  
  
Nain: THE HORROR!  
  
CALLI AND NAIN SCREAM  
  
Calli: Just to clarify, we don't own Hobbits, and we don't own Mulder and Scully. Unfortunately. Sigh. But you already knew that, right? Anyway... ROLL IT!   
  
CUT TO THE PRISCILLA BUS, DRAPED IN SHINY FABRIC AND FULL OF AGENTS IN THEIR SUITS  
  
Drag Smith: So then I, like, told the saleswoman, "You ain't all that and a bag of chips!"  
  
Agent Johnson: Rawr! Hey, do you want a massage?  
  
Agent Fuzzy: No way. You're always trying to get into my pants.  
  
Agent Johnson: But... they're Gucci! And they'd look better on my legs, anyway.  
  
Agent Fuzzy: Prada or nada, baby.  
  
Agent Pants: I'll go with Prada. Nada is SOOOOOO FIVE MINUTES AGO!  
  
Drag Smith: Love slave! -snaps fingers- LOVE SLAVE! COME HERE!  
  
Magi The Conforming Hobbit: Yes, masterrrrr?  
  
Drag Smith: Which is better; Prada or nada?  
  
  
  
Magi: Um... blueberry? Lyk, I dunno. I like to inhale nail polish fumes. And those sound like words that stupid Nina makes up.  
  
Nain: -seethe-  
  
Drag Smith #83: Like, you need to shave your toes, Love Slave.  
  
Magi: Um, pineapple?  
  
Drag Smith #58696: Why do we always get the stupid love slaves?  
  
Mitzi Del Bra: Because the stupid ones are always better looking, Dahhhhling.  
  
CALLI AND NAIN GIGGLE EVILLY  
  
Magi: -stares at Nain- Lyk, you look just like this girl I knew. She was sooooooooo mean.  
  
Agent Disco Stu: Baby, if you wanna fight, not in here. Boogie, thrust, oh yeah!  
  
NAIN CRACKS HER KNUCKLES  
  
Magi: omg nina waz lyk sooo dum, she waz lyk uzin big wordz dat cant hav bin reel cuz i didnt undastand em and im lyk cleva.  
  
Nain: YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?  
  
Magi: Lyk wtf?? y do u h8 me nina iv neva dun nething 2 u!  
  
CALLI WATCHES IN AWE AND AMUSEMENT, HUGGING A NEO PLUSHIE  
  
Nain: Could you possibly be less coherent?  
  
Magi: lyksdf no woatssx ru sdatskling BOUTS?  
  
Calli: It's come down to this, Nain. You can defeat her now, or you can just walk away.   
  
Miscellanious Drag Agent: LIKE, NO FIGHTING IN HERE, YOU'LL RUIN THE PERFUME BOTTLES! OMG!  
  
NAIN THROWS MAGI OUT THE DOOR AND LEAPS ON HER  
  
Calli: It looks like Nain's beating Magi, using her famous 'IHATEPREPS' high Neo-style kick, but ait, Magi's using the fingernails... oh, NO!  
  
Nain: AAAAAAAAAH! I HAVE PINK SPARKLES IN MY EYES!  
  
THE AGENTS BEGIN TO SWARM MAGI  
  
Magi: LYK YYYYYYYYY?!  
  
NAIN CLAWS AT HER EYES  
  
Nain: GET THEM OUT, DAMMIT! GET THEM OUT!  
  
Drag Agent Bunny: You were mean to our beloved Nain! You're not a love slave, you're just an annoying Conformist Hobbit who Needs To Shave Her Like Toes.  
  
Magi: LYK NOOOOO, COME N SAVE ME HILARI!  
  
Hilary Duff: I'd love to save my adoring fans, but the thing is, I have no kung fu talent, nor do I have any acting or singing talent. Alas, woe is me.   
  
Nain: I love you, Agents. I really, really do.  
  
Agent Smith: That's why you can be our love slaves at the end!  
  
MAGI'S BODY DISAPPEARS, LEAVING ONLY A SINGLE SPARKLY FINGERNAIL. THE AGENTS POUNCE ON NAIN  
  
Calli: NOOOOOOOOOOO! NEO, COME SAVE US!  
  
NEO FLIES IN, LOOKING CONFUSED  
  
Neo: You know, I finally get to make out with Trinity, and then I have to come save you two.  
  
Calli: Wait, I don't want you to save me. Save NAIN... YOU MUST... SAVE NAIN...  
  
CALLI'S BODY DISAPPEARS  
  
Nain: Too much information.  
  
Nain: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
NAIN THROWS HERSELF ON THE GROUND. SUDDENLY, A RENTAL CAR PULLS UP AND MULDER AND SCULLY STEP OUT  
  
Mulder: I'm Agent Mulder, and this is Agent Scully. We're from the FBI, and we're researching ressurection techniques.   
  
Scully: I hate my job sometimes.  
  
THE SPIRIT OF CALLI FLIES AROUND WILDLY  
  
Scully: This is one of those times.  
  
Mulder: We're looking for the body of a Lockaway, Callisto... is she around here anywhere?  
  
SPIRIT OF CALLI ALMOST DIES AGAIN OF HAPPINESS  
  
Nain: -points at Spirit of Calli-  
  
Spirit of Calli: O_____O  
  
THERE IS A LARGE FLASH OF LIGHT, ALIEN-ABDUCTION STYLE, THEN A PUFF OF PINK SMOKE  
  
Calli: MULDER, YOU SAVED ME!  
  
CALLI LUNGES AT MULDER. HIM AND SCULLY QUICKLY GET IN THEIR CAR AND DRIVE AWAY, HORRIFIED AT WHAT THEY HAVE WITNESSED.  
  
Nain: CALLI! YOU LIVE.  
  
Calli: MULDER! WE'LL TALK! CALL ME FRIDAY......  
  
Neo: What am I supposed to be doing?  
  
Nain: Saving me!  
  
Neo: Oh, okay.   
  
NEO AND NAIN FLY OFF INTO THE SUNSET. CALLI CHASES AFTER THE RENTAL CAR. THE AGENTS SCRATCH THEIR HEADS.  
  
Agent Smith: So, really, what is it... Prada or Nada? 


	9. outtake 3 'A SENSELESS ORGY'

The Matrix: Recliched  
  
by Nain and Calli  
  
-----------------------------**  
  
Calli: I'm sure you all loved our last outtake. But this one is even better. It's entitled 'A SENSELESS ORGY!'  
  
Nain: I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE!  
  
Calli: I wanted to join it, but I wasn't allowed to.  
  
CALLI BURSTS INTO TEARS  
  
STAGE DARKENS AND SCREEN APPEARS. NEO IS STANDING IN THE SHOWER ON THE NEB. HE APPEARS TO BE ALONE. GRADUALLY THE CAMERA PANS OUT TO SHOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE.  
  
Neo: WASHIN' MY BUTT, WASHIN' MY BUTT, DOO DEE DOOO...  
  
Morpheus: WASHIN' NEO'S BUTT, WASHIN' NEO'S BUTT, DOO DEE DOOO...  
  
Trinity: WASHIN' MORPHYPOO'S BUTT, WASHIN' MORPHYPOO'S BUTT, DOO DEE DOOO...  
  
Link: WASHIN' TRINITY'S BUTT, WASHIN' TRINITY'S BUTT, DOO DEE DOOO...  
  
Neo: DO NOT TOUCH MY BITCH!  
  
NAKED SCUFFLE, AKA ORGY, ENSUES  
  
Agent Smith: Hello, Big Boys. And, uh, Neuter Female.  
  
AGENT SMITH DIVES IN GLEEFULLY  
  
Trinity: HOW IN FRESH HELL DID YOU GET HERE?!?  
  
Agent Smith: I stuck my hand in some guy's chest, then I turned into him. But... -pauses- I realised that I was so much prettier in my natural form, so I put a lot of makeup on to disguise my ugliness. Now, RAVISH ME!  
  
Neo: With pleasure.  
  
CAPTAIN LOCK AND HIS GROUPIES ENTER  
  
Lock: Yo, Morpheybaby!  
  
LOCK STRIPS, MORPHEUS DROOLS  
  
Morpheus: Rawrrrrr..  
  
Ham-Man: Who wants to see me sing 'I'm A Slave 4 U?'  
  
EVERYONE RUNS AWAY  
  
SCENE CUTS TO THE RAVEY PLACE  
  
Neo: Dude, can I see your nipples?  
  
Agent Smith: Of course, my little anomaly.  
  
Trinity: Neo, don't you want to play the sock puppet game?  
  
Neo: I want nipples.  
  
Trinity: But I have nipples!  
  
Neo: -rolls eyes- Puh-lese. Agent Smith's boobs are bigger than yours.  
  
TRINITY STARTS TO CRY  
  
Morpheus: Awwww, baby.  
  
MORPHEUS, STILL NAKED, GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE  
  
Morpheus: My darling, I... can't get enough of your love, baaaaby.  
  
Lock: That is so sweet. -giggles girlishly-  
  
HAM-MAN STANDS ON THE ROCK OF JOY AND GYRATES VIOLENTLY  
  
Ham-Man: I'M AHHHH, SLAAAAYYYYVVEEEEE FOR YOUUUUU  
  
EVERYONE IS SUBSEQUENTLY VIOLENTLY SICK  
  
Ham-Man: That means you love me! I'll start singing some Avril! 'HE WAZ A SKAYTA BOI! SHE SED C U LAYTA BOI!'  
  
Neo: Ow! My freakin' ears!  
  
EVERYONE HAS A JOYOUS VODKA-INDUCED ORGY 


End file.
